Hope is Alive and Living in Me

I listened to an encouraging message from Marilyn Howshall today. I was so blessed to hear an encouraging message from Marilyn Howshall today encouraging me in the Lord. I just had a little quickening when you said, "That' what hope does, hope renews us everyday." Inside I heard, " hope is living, it's alive." It was an aha moment for me. Hope is living and alive in me.

Thank you Lord, for this Resurrection Day, for putting HOPE in me, alive and living in me.

I'm being tempted to turn to self-pity. I have missed Rich all week. I miss my kids. I miss not doing things or going places with my family and my friends. Today is hard. All I can do is keep working with my plan around here, call on the Lord to draw me to Him. Don't go to anything or anyone as a substitute or diversion or distraction for my Lord.

Jesus, you are the healer of my heart. You are the One I surrender my heart and my emotions to. I'm not going to try to figure out what is going on because my heart is in my throat, but I'm not going to give in to crying or feeling sorry for myself. I am going to praise You. Draw me close and never let me go. You are my friend, You are my family, You are my husband, You are my King and my Lord and my God. Help me surrender and focus on Your goodness and Your kindness.

Not So Easy Today

This morning I'm beginning my routine of getting up early and planning for the day and the future. I need to change how I live, think, relate and do. I need your help every day. Today feels like a setback as my thoughts and emotions want to take me down. But I am the only one who can change my life as I cooperate with the Lord.

~Be anxious for nothing...
~Think about what is true, honest, just, lovely...
~Jesus Christ direct the course of my life...
~My love is stronger than your weakness...Jesus
~He must become greater,,,
~Just take the first step...
~Love


I really miss my kids. It was such a joy to have them over yesterday, but I miss not being a part of their everyday life and events.

It's sad and I want to look at all that's going on in a healthy way. I am going to hike now and just think on what is true and tell Jesus how grateful I am for all He has and is doing. He is my strength and wisdom and life. That's what it feels like...death in my soul...that will be come life. Dying to myself and what I've done or not done and the consequences and the pain to receive the Lord's love and life to move me forward. I desperately need You, Jesus. I come.

Paradigm Shift ~ I'm Free

I think I've been trying to get free for so long and focused on myself that I didn't truly believe that I'm already free...that Jesus has already set me free. I've heard it many times, but haven't HEARD it.

I AM FREE!

I AM FREE INDEED!

Now I need to listen and stop wrong thinking and receive and rest in what Jesus had done. Then I need to do (take action) out of that place of rest, obeying the Lord. That is freedom...freedom from myself, freedom in Him, free to be and do in His care trusting that He will work all from my good because it's ultimately for Him.

It's all about you, Jesus.

Thank you so much for Your LOVE!

KEEP ME AND GUARD ME IN ALL THAT I DO

HELPING ME TO LOVE AND HONOR YOU

AS I TRUST YOU AND HOLD ON TO WHAT IS TRUE.

JESUS ~ JESUS ~ JESUS

Right now my stomach is churning with butterflies, nervous. I want to remember the words Mary used when we need to stop something and start something. To start is to take action, but I can't remember the word for other part to stop. Things like this trip me up and I started to search instead of going up the mountain. So as I lightly searched for the papers, I saw last year's taxes unfiled and I can't find the papers from the Mary's lesson. And I think there is so much to do, to file, to organize and my stomach gets upset and my eyes start to close and I feel stressed and the body shut down routine starts and I can't think clearly. I need to get control because this isn't good for my body. Just before this I read a post from Barbie about a discount for LOL products and new working on the items and I don't know what it is and I want to know, I want to be part of what is going on and contribute, but I'm not and this bothers me. I feel like an outsider. 

So now Lord, what do I do? How do I stop this? And what do I think and what action do I take so that my heart and mind are yielded to you? I don't want a substitute or to take some herb to take care of the symptoms, I want to change and I don't know how but to ask you for help to lead and guide me into freedom. Thank you Lord.

I can't change what's been done and I don't need to fear the future, I just need to rest in Him right now and take whatever steps the Lord leads me in. I just need to stop this and trust my life into His care and be faithful right now. I don't have to try to get anywhere, just be content right here and obey right now leaving the past in Him and the trusting Him for a better future.

The Lord Met Me...

My stomach was nervous and I kept wondering what is this, what's the bottom line, what am I thinking and where did this come from. Suddenly as I was just starting up the mountain and  resting on my poles talking to myself  I had a thought, "I don't need to figure it out, I just need to turn my thought to the Lord and be grateful." Then I was aware of a song by Kari Jobe, Be Still. The Lord met me just where I was. Thank you Lord.

This couldn't have been more perfect.

1 CORINTHIANS 9:27

MSG

I don’t know about you, but I’m running hard for the finish line. I’m giving it everything I’ve got. No sloppy living for me! I’m staying alert and in top condition. I’m not going to get caught napping, telling everyone else all about it and then missing out myself.

AMP

But [like a boxer] I strictly discipline my body and make it my slave, so that, after I have preached [the gospel] to others, I myself will not somehow be disqualified [as unfit for service].

Thoughts Govern My Actions ~ What am I Thinking?

Thoughts ~ I want to govern over my thoughts. Today I'm starting with worship while I get ready to exercise.

When my last child left home on Sunday, it was a struggle to look around and think about the times and events and know that it's going to be quiet around here without my sons. As I move into this next phase of my life, I recognise there is a grieving of letting go after 36 years of motherhood but with the tendency to go into self-pity I have to guard my heart. I don't have to be afraid of tears or stop them up, just govern over them and be aware of my thoughts and decide to be thankful and tell the Lord how much I loved being a mom and will continue to love it in a different way with added children. I want the Lord to increase my capacity to love more and love abundantly. He must have my heart, my whole heart. So I must not nurse my grieving, but look at my life as opening up to more possibilities. 

I've thought so much about what I've done wrong, what I missed out on, what I wish didn't happen, what my circumstances are and how hard they are...they all center around me. My life has been lived as if the world centers and others should center around me...how selfish and self-absorbed. Lord, stretch me and mold me and take me to a new place of thinking rightly and in reality.


Stop
     Thinking about me and how something is affecting me and whether I like it or not.

Start
Action: put up encouraging words, sayings, Scriptures to remind me to focus my thoughts on what is
             lovely, pure, beautiful, honoring.

When I'm aware of my thoughts, ask a question: Is this thought about me or about loving God and others? Then I will know the action to take and turn my heart toward the one who loves me and thinks about what is best for me and take those thoughts believing the truth.

Observing My Habits/Tendencies

Some things I notice about myself today:

~There was no deadlines or timeframes that had to do with others so I need to grow in self-government when going about my day so setting up a plan early in the am or somewhat the night before.
          Today I did a shorter hike and floor/weight exercises, got caught up with email/facebook, talked to Scott Schultz about life policies, organized some papers, chores. Then Micah called and Beau is letting him off early to take the broken CRV back for repairs for which I am grateful. But what I noticed is that it's 12:30 and Micah is getting off at 3:00. All of a sudden I feel I have more of a reason to increase my pace to do the things I had planed like I have greater purpose. This is not how I want to live. I am going to change. I have lots to do and my time if valuable and I've been in my comfort zone for long enough. I don't want to be moving forward in my own strength for I will fall, I want to develop positive healthy habits that will carry me to developing purpose and self education and personal growth loving others abundantly.

~Putting off doing something I want or need to do.
          Like procrastinating making the apron. What this does is put me into rushing to get something done, missing the deadline, feeling stressed, doing a rush job, ask others for help when I should have done it myself or not being able to do it at all because I didn't plan.

                 WHY?
                   ~I don't know how to go about what I want to do.

~Since I try to do things in detail and thoroughly, I delay action until I am satisfied enough. For instance commenting and sharing Mary's new website. I want to think about what to say so I get it right so it's all about me, yuck. No more. I'm excited for her and what the Lord is doing, it's not about me getting the wording all right and being able to express myself perfectly.

1-17-2016
~ Putting all my eggs in one basket
          I have tried for 2 jobs and put my hopes in them and neither worked out as planned. I need to drive around and look at what is around me and decide where I need to apply. I just don't know what to do. I also need to let go of my limitations and just go for it.

          *Tonight I say an email from Kim:

Hello Carlese,

I don’t know if I am answering your prayers or if you are answering mine.

I am just sending out a “checking in email” Seems you were kind of pshing or inquiring of me

if I was going to have any type of employment options that might work out, to work you, into the

Jubilee family.

I am not sure what you are going to need for hours or pay. So there is a possibility – but we should discuss

what you need, before I extend a formal offer of possible employment.

Blessings

Kim

Lord, if this is you, I'm interested. Help me be open and not afraid to step out and mess up or let someone down, but to trust in You to lead and guide me.

Today officially begins the next phase of my life with an empty nest. Being a widow makes it harder but lacking life purpose is even worse. This sounds bleak, but I'm not feeling bleak. I am full of hope. I feel alone and there is no one to talk to or share life with and that is sad. The things in the house won't change unless I make it change. No messes and I am responsible for all that's here and the decisions I make and the activity I do. Yes, I cried. I will miss my boys tremendously, but I was too emotionally attached and this stunted their growth and mine and now they will be in transition for their next phase as they move forward.

I have a lot of questions and wonderings about what is next. Micah will be coming back more than Max because he had a lot of projects and will still need to declutter and organize and make decisions about his stuff. Max will come back for the rest of his stuff when he moves into his own place. He is growing and becoming more real, Barbie told me. Micah has more attitudes and behavior to overcome.

Micah was so sweet these last weeks and so helpful preparing me and helping me get ready for when he goes. I can tell he's excited and looking forward to being close to Annie and getting to know her more.

Max is so busy. Today after he took down the lights, he went to a film set to 'fight'. He likes acting and was looking forward to it. He has at least 3 vfx jobs he doing at home besides his normal job. He seems burdened. I told him I'd pray about his job because he's not busy enough and the work he's doing might not even be in the trailer which is a pitch for a moving Workhouse Creative wants to make. I think he's going to talk to his boss about it. Help him, Lord, know when to talk to his boss and what to say and that he understands when his boss wants to do.



It seems these thoughts come from nowhere and bring tears to my eyes. Just now as I'm typing about Max and his boss, a thought came in...I won't be fixing dinner for anyone and I'm alone. Then my throat gets tight and my eyes start to tear before I even realize I'm thinking this. So instead of fighting it or being upset. I'll turn to the Lord and remember this is grief and it's okay and the Lord is with me and will lead and guide me into abundance. I want you Jesus more than anything. Help me sit at your feet and hear your voice and feel your arms and wait on You.


I just remembered the sweetest thing Micah did was to pray for me after I prayed. He has only a few times initiated a prayer. He prayed for me to get a job, that we would get closer and that all our relationships would get better.      All this is precious to me.


No one will be here in the morning when I wake up every day. No one to kiss good-bye and give a hug. I do not want this to turn into self pity. Lord, help me keep a right heart that is focused on you and not afraid of being alone.  Help me be productive and find my passion and be loving and serve others. Help me keep my thoughts on You.

I'm looking at my note: "Be intentional about looking for the positive."

It is so quiet, except for the wind and fire crackling. It feels lifeless. I need to get a life!