Today officially begins the next phase of my life with an empty nest. Being a widow makes it harder but lacking life purpose is even worse. This sounds bleak, but I'm not feeling bleak. I am full of hope. I feel alone and there is no one to talk to or share life with and that is sad. The things in the house won't change unless I make it change. No messes and I am responsible for all that's here and the decisions I make and the activity I do. Yes, I cried. I will miss my boys tremendously, but I was too emotionally attached and this stunted their growth and mine and now they will be in transition for their next phase as they move forward.

I have a lot of questions and wonderings about what is next. Micah will be coming back more than Max because he had a lot of projects and will still need to declutter and organize and make decisions about his stuff. Max will come back for the rest of his stuff when he moves into his own place. He is growing and becoming more real, Barbie told me. Micah has more attitudes and behavior to overcome.

Micah was so sweet these last weeks and so helpful preparing me and helping me get ready for when he goes. I can tell he's excited and looking forward to being close to Annie and getting to know her more.

Max is so busy. Today after he took down the lights, he went to a film set to 'fight'. He likes acting and was looking forward to it. He has at least 3 vfx jobs he doing at home besides his normal job. He seems burdened. I told him I'd pray about his job because he's not busy enough and the work he's doing might not even be in the trailer which is a pitch for a moving Workhouse Creative wants to make. I think he's going to talk to his boss about it. Help him, Lord, know when to talk to his boss and what to say and that he understands when his boss wants to do.



It seems these thoughts come from nowhere and bring tears to my eyes. Just now as I'm typing about Max and his boss, a thought came in...I won't be fixing dinner for anyone and I'm alone. Then my throat gets tight and my eyes start to tear before I even realize I'm thinking this. So instead of fighting it or being upset. I'll turn to the Lord and remember this is grief and it's okay and the Lord is with me and will lead and guide me into abundance. I want you Jesus more than anything. Help me sit at your feet and hear your voice and feel your arms and wait on You.


I just remembered the sweetest thing Micah did was to pray for me after I prayed. He has only a few times initiated a prayer. He prayed for me to get a job, that we would get closer and that all our relationships would get better.      All this is precious to me.


No one will be here in the morning when I wake up every day. No one to kiss good-bye and give a hug. I do not want this to turn into self pity. Lord, help me keep a right heart that is focused on you and not afraid of being alone.  Help me be productive and find my passion and be loving and serve others. Help me keep my thoughts on You.

I'm looking at my note: "Be intentional about looking for the positive."

It is so quiet, except for the wind and fire crackling. It feels lifeless. I need to get a life!